changes
This is going to be a lot to get off my mind and I'm just going to word vomit it so I can actually get it all out.
I've needed to change for some time now.. and I feel like I'm at the edge of something. I've been fighting to get a job in my field for a few months now to no avail. It's making me realize just how much there is to do, how hard you need to claw your way for ANYTHING. Tooth and nail. Yet there are things holding me back.
This is kind of a hard and weird one to talk about, but I feel like I'll be better if I can get it off my chest. I wouldn't call myself a full blow addict to NSFW things, but I've used it as a crutch for a long time. Dedicated far too much of my time to these things. Interacted with countless people in this way and in this way alone sometimes. Using people for the satisfaction. I really don't want to call it an addiction, but it was.. something bad. Something I invested far too much time into again and again.
Now I don't want it to seem like enjoying more adult things is bad, because it isn't. It's when you put as much of yourself into them, and waste as much time as I have into it that it becomes a problem. NSFW is hard for me to think about now, hard to talk about because it just becomes all consuming in my life. There are times where I won't do anything productive, just to look at these things, and find people to use for that purpose. It's not healthy.
So I'm going to change, working on myself and really take this time to learn from it and grow as much as I can. I want to be clear that it hasn't gotten to full blown addiction or actually hurting myself or others. I think I managed to catch myself earlier enough. As much as I hate to say this, this really stemmed from Final Fantasy XIV. The culture there is.. wild. The things you can get involved with, the mods, the people.. it may be fun but it takes its toll. This is why I think, I need to take another long break from FFXIV. If I do return, to experience the story, I will likely no longer participate in any sort of modding. It's far too easy to be consumed by that side of the game.
I know this is.. raw. This is a real problem I've been facing and it's a little embarrassing. These aren't the sort of things people usually talk about in the open but.. I think it's important we do. This doesn't mean I'm some puritan, aghast at the idea of sex. I think sex should be something more normalized, easy to talk about with others. I just happen to find myself on the bad side of things and needed to share my experience.
Don Shnack is a youtuber and streamer who yells about random Nintendo games. If you can stomach the louder sort of content, I highly recommend his stuff. However the end of one of his most recent videos really got me. Can I Beat Donkey Kong Using a Guitar? (and other instruments), is the video in question. At the end is a remarkable segment that really made me sit back and think. It was about creating.
"Life is too short and finite for you to just sit on this idea, for you to just not make your MAGNUM OPUS waiting to happen. Like you could really have the best idea ever for some sort of song, movie, video, whatever and you're just gonna sit on it? The thing thats getting in the way of you.. IS YOU. Like are you just gonna let yourself do that? Are you just gonna let yourself stand in the way of yourself? I'm serious like instead of just worrying about everything that goes into it you know like 'what's gonna happen after I post this'.. JUST CREATE...
..Just stop thinking and start doing.
Now go make something pussy."
I never would have thought something at the end of a fucking Donkey Kong Jungle Beat video would hit me so hard. It did though. I've spent so much time doing nothing. So much time getting in my own way. Always thinking of ideas, trying to figure out the PERFECT way to do something. Never doing anything.
This goes beyond just making things online.. it goes into every aspect of my life. Everything. So here I am. After thinking on this for such a long time. Not only ways to better myself like spoken about above, but to actually push myself and DO something for once.
So it's time. To try harder for a job. To try and make the things I want to make. To have fun again. To have confidence in myself again. To not be disgusted by myself.
It won't be perfect, and it won't be all at once.. but the effort is here. The change is here.
I've made a new Discord account for myself. A new fresh start. Shedding a lot of the things that trouble me. My personal Discord server is still around though. I hope to keep it going as I venture out and try new things.
In terms of making things, I finally feel like I know what I want to do. Inspired by some of the most amazing creators out there I hope I can make my own things happen. The things I really want.
My first order of business is going to be streaming. It may sound a little weird, and I get that. I've always liked Pokemon, I fucking loved it when I was younger.. and I want to recapture that. I'm gonna start playing more Pokemon, doing fun stuff with it and experiencing some games I never have. I want to stream these mostly, along with some random indie stuff from time to time, but that is where I want to go.
In terms of videos I want to take those streams and make something out of them. I'm inspired by the way Don Shnack and Absol can make something incredible out of simple stream highlights. It'll be super hard but.. it's where I want to go. It's what I want to do. I also have some other kind of videos in mind, stuff that is more showcase-y. Hazel and ThorHighHeels come to mind for my biggest inspirations. I have some ideas down already and I think I can make something really ME with my slurry of inspirations and my own aspirations and ideas. There is so much that has basically been fucking dormant in me. So much creative energy that has died over the years and I need to recapture that. I was my happiest I've ever been when I was full on creating things.. so let's recapture that.
There are still problems in my head that I'm fighting through, loneliness being a huge one but.. I'm getting there. I'm trying. I will always try to be the best person I can be. To be a better and happier person. To continue to grow.
Thank you for taking the time to read this with me. It's personal. It's raw. It hurts to share.. but I felt I personally needed to. In order to come to terms with it and my life.. to move on. Life marches forward and I will be there with it. Changing, growing, loving.