creativity and struggling
Lately, and maybe it's because of the negative times I'm going through, I have the intense urge to create. I don't even know WHAT I want to create I just know that I want to.
What are some things I've always wanted to create? Definitely music! Ever since I was a kid I've wanted to be able to make music. I played trumpet and bass for a little bit way back but it never really went anywhere and I was never great at it. I just lack that touch that musically inclined people have and I hate ittttt. I think making music would be the most satisfying thing I could do.
Like I am always listening to music and it's such a huge part of my life and I wish I could contribute! Right now I've been getting so heavy into Bilmuri. I seriously cannot find a more fun musician out there. His mix of styles and humor with seriousness it all just speaks to me so much, I love it. It's so funny to think I listened to him way back in high school in fucking Attack Attack! lmao. Now here I am many years later still enjoying his music.
They are all insanely catchy so have this one :)
I'd also love to do some sort of tabletop thing. I, of course, find myself drawn to the offball not D&D ones because of course I do. Inspired by early D&D, japan's own Sword World has a translation for first edition and the vibes of it are incredible. Watched a really cool video discussing it's history some and loved it. Check it out here, it's by Weird Place on YT.
I also just want to do more tactile things like tabletop. Or even something like solo TTRPGs, which I learned are a thing and seem cool! I'm very much into analog right now. Or I guess more physical than analog. Playing consoles, DVDs, etc. I had a night with my brother where we got together and played a bunch of old consoles and drank Mountain Dew all night and it honestly like rewrote my brain I swear to god. Barely even looked at my phone or anything while we just enjoyed ourselves and played a bunch of games, ending on Half-Life 2 on original Xbox.. peak.
Seriously ever since then I like.. don't really want to play games at my desk anymore. I feel like I'd rather be at a TV or anywhere else than at my desk where I'm bound to get distracted by the internet. I miss just playing games. I never really do that much anymore.
I guess that segues into the last thing I want to do make, is kinda two things in one. I want to make something that tells a story. Whether that be a game, or a comic kind of thing. Moreso on the game idea tbh. I've wanted and want so fucking badly to be able to make a game and make a little story so bad. It's just the most overwhelming thing possible. I am not an artist, by a long shot. Nor am I any good at any sort of programming. So it just leaves me in a place where I'm like al;skdjfl. I have such an insane amount of ideas in my head that I want to do.. stories I want to tell. I want to make big loud anime inspired stories, I want quiet introspective and heavy stories.. I just want to make it all. I just don't really have the skills to do it.
Of course, I want to make videos too but that is probably the hardest thing to do imo. Having the motivation and not getting absolutely crushed and decimated by YouTube and the standards of it all is just too much. There still sits only ONE video on my channel..
I don't think it's bad or anything but it's far from as good as I know it COULD be. I think the biggest thing is firmly deciding on something to make a video on. I mean I have a ton of ideas but actually going through with them is hard. Most focus around games because it's the only thing I feel I can actually talk about but the issue is like.. man I am not the most media literate girl out there.. and I look at videos that are HOURS long and so indepth and it's just like.. I could never make that. I don't think I would realistically want to make that.. but where does that actually leave me? I don't know.
I'm far more interested the vibes, the way a game feels, atmosphere and style, as well as the story. Gameplay and such doesn't really mean much to me personally. Fuck, I mean my favorite game of all time is STILL Yume Nikki. So how do I translate my weird ass game taste and enjoyment into a video that people won't think is a cringeworthy waste of time?
There is so much I want to do.. so much so that it leaves me paralyzed. Not to mention the overwhelming effect of the internet onto my adhd-riddled brain. I just need something to do.. someone to word vomit about all this.. and maybe even someone who GETS it, you know?
I don't know (◕‿◕✿)