sorry
It's been a bit since I wrote anything, and my last post was somewhat optimistic on needing a change. However, and very sadly, things have gone downhill quite quickly for me. I'm in a situation where I may end up homeless, we can't really afford food, and we're months behind on bills.
My desperate attempts to find a job have led to nothing. A complete failure at every turn. I've had many interviews, some that went extremely well yet.. nothing. Putting out applications and resumes DAILY.. and nothing. It feels like all the work I put into my degree mean absolutely nothing.. especially when I can't even get close to a job in my field, or even any entry level job! It's one of the most soul crushing experiences I've ever felt honestly. I'm still trying.. I'm still fighting but when I say that I've come close to the end several times this month.. I mean it. Honestly I'm still there.
This crushing feeling, on top of the feelings of complete loneliness and isolation are just killing me. I'm going through a lot right now and I can absolutely say I'm not the same person I was even just a couple months ago. That's not entirely a bad thing, but struggling so much and facing these kinds of hardships does that to you I guess.
I hate that I feel this jealousy, this envy when I see people with these big groups of friends.. happy. I hate myself for thinking that way but it's oozed into every ounce of my being.. loneliness. I've had so many dreams lately about it.. about people from my past.. about meeting them again and having no one like me. Being abandoned. It's just been so much.
I just don't know what to do anymore.. it's all entirely too much and the phrase "I'll get through this, it'll get better" is starting to wear thin.
I just want to be happy. I'm not a bad person.. I deserve nice things sometimes.. I deserve happiness much like each and every one of us do. Yet.. here I am.
I guess it'll get better..
If you're able and wanting to help, please reach out to me via email (lizlesss@proton.me). I have a paypal and cashapp. Also if you just wanna reach out to chat, please do!
On a less serious note, I've been watching some random movies and such. Rewatched the Sam Remi Spider Man movie and god damn. So much fun. I think it's probably a bad movie but I don't even care, I love it. As well as my first time watching Truman Show and I adored that one. Jim Carrey in those more serious roles is my favorite. I guess one of my favorite movies is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind after all.
Also been trying to continue my growth in respects to media. Trying to engage with physical more, taking time away from the internet, and just trying to be a little more intentional. It's hard with untreated ADHD sometimes but I'm doing my best.
That's all for now. Sorry for the grim updates, I wish they were better truly. Maybe some day I'll be able to write more positive things here.
Much love, liz